Sheets’ Other Contract

By: Big Rygg

Everybody in the world of journalism (both real and imaginary) loves to scoop the other guy. Everyone loves to be the one that breaks the big story or is the first to “confirm” things that haven’t technically happened yet. There are countless journalists that have been writing for years and years, honing and refining their craft, and that get paid to write what they write.

I am not one of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been writing for a while now…I just don’t get paid for doing it. (Though to be honest that would be nice one day.)

Regardless, I have beaten all of those that receive compensation for their efforts (and therefore have actual incentive to investigate these types of things) on a “hot” story…bad pun kind of intended.

That lead? I have learned the details of the most closely guarded secret in Major League Baseball and the Church. I have learned the details of Ben Sheets’ contract with Satan.

The terms of the deal, to paraphrase, are as follows: One Olympic Gold Medal winning victory for the United States in return for years of unrealized potential upon arrival to the Major Leagues. There are subparts, including Sheets’ 12-win regular season maximum and the list of things that are permissible by the contract to keep Sheets at or under 12 wins (like freak injuries to himself or teammates, lack of run support and poor management amongst others), but the basic jist of the contract is that Sheets got to be a national hero for the United States’ Olympic baseball team in 2000 but it came with a cost.

In order to get him to agree to the contract, Sheets was offered a few concessions as well. He was allowed to have a few seasons with spectacular individual statistics, but only in certain categories, for example his 2004 season in which he threw a Brewers franchise record 264 strikeouts in 237.0 innings pitched, but still only won 12 games and actually lost more than he won (14 losses that year). He was also granted several stellar individual performances/career-highlights like his 18-strikeout game against Atlanta, the few complete game shutouts he’s thrown and starting an All-Star Game.

I honestly cannot believe that nobody else was able to get this information, afterall the signs are right there in front of us.

  • Season totals of 11, 11, 11, 12, 10, 6, 12 and (so far) 11 wins
  • Losing records in 4 of 7 completed seasons
  • Numerous weird injuries that took away many starts
    • Come on…”Vestibular Neuritis”? Who gets that??

I could go on for a while with the examples, but anybody that has watched Sheets over his professional career will no doubt be able to recall the signs.

The point here is that Sheets needs to repent for his unholy deal and ask for forgiveness so that hopefully his contract can be deemed uninforceable and thereby nullified.

Time will tell if Sheets realizes his folly, if he understands the error of his choice nearly a decade ago, and does something about it. For his own sake, for the sake of Brewer fans and whatever fans of the team he pitches for in the future, for the sake of his current and future teammates…Ben Sheets, I implore you, start praying.

(In all seriousness, this is a work of satire. No offense is intended to anyone and hopefully this isn’t taken the wrong way. I highly doubt Ben Sheets made a deal with the devil or any other spiritual figure. But since nobody else can seem to explain why Sheets can’t seem to win more than 12 games in a season either, I figured I’d go this direction, hopefully for humor’s sake. Thank you.)

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